Three (maybe four?) years ago, I had the urge to start blogging. One of those nagging longings that stuck around in the back of my mind so long, I knew I had to take action. I found the perfect name scrawled in purple graffiti on a harbor pier and located its origin in the poet Rilke: Face to Face with the Sky.
I started a Tumbler. And it went nowhere.
Maybe a year after that, I knew I had to try again. I discovered Word Press, and launched Face to Face with the Sky again.
That went also went nowhere. My content sucked. It lacked focus; it lacked depth; I wasn’t sharing what was real and on my heart.
Another year went by, and my mental health, which I have struggled with all my life, was deteriorating. Writing become my refuge. Scribbling and typing my solace. Somehow I decided to share this writing with the world.
I started another blog, The Wishing Well, and wrote honestly about my mental health ups and downs. In one year I had over 500 followers and lots of activity on the blog. The content was good. It was real. I was sharing what was on my heart.
So what do you think I did?
I deleted the whole thing.
I abandoned my followers. I didn’t even have the heart to respond to the most recent comments, so ashamed was I for running away.
What shifted? In short, there was a war between my public and private life. My inner and outer worlds. My inner world was complex, heartbreaking, and beautiful; and yet, I was only sharing it with people online. Only a few people in my real life knew about my writing. The rest of the time, I was presenting a “presentable” self. To my boss. My coworkers. My landlord. Even some of my friends and family. The tension between these two selves reached a breaking point.
Steven Pressfield wrote in his wonderful book Turning Pro about migrant workers who “rode the rods,” or stole away on trains across America. The migrant workers have a saying about what it means to abandon one job, one place, and move on to another. It’s called “pulling the pin.” The metaphor is that two train cars are attached by a single “pin” holding together their joined parts. Pull it out, and the car would roll away, no longer attached to the train.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve “pulled the pin,” or completely bailed out of things in my life.
When it comes to writing, I don’t want to do that any more.
All of this has been a long winded explanation of what I’m trying to accomplish with this renewed attempt at blogging: healing the war between these two selves.
Let this blog be the place where I can merge my inner and outer worlds.
Peace be with you,
P.S. You can expect two focuses on this blog: mental health, and spirituality.
P.P.S. I love Instagram! @face2facewiththesky
P.P.P.S. I am excited to join you and witness your heart’s journey.